Saturday, December 29, 2007

Irrational Fears

Where does fear come from? Why are so many of our fears so completely irrational? Do they stem from events in our lives we just don't remember?

I have a completely irrational fear of being home alone. Not during the day, when the sun is out I'm fine. But at night, I hate it. I'm not ever completely alone, technically, I have Sugarplum with me. But she's 2 1/2 and goes to bed by 8. Then I'm really by myself.
I have this horrible fear that someone is going to break into the house and hurt us. I don't feel this way at all when my husband is with me. He's periodically away for a weekend and I have the worst trouble sleeping during those times. Sometimes, even before the sun sets, I just start crying - for no reason I can think of other than I miss him terribly and feel horribly anxious, isolated and lonely.
I was thinking about it tonight and realize that I have had this fear since I was a little girl. I remember at the age of 8 being home with my brother alone in the house. He was older than me so this was not really a problem - and we were never alone overnight. But if he was outside with his friends and I was inside after dark and my mother was out for whatever reason, I would start to freak out.
This was the days before cell phones so I couldn't call her and ask when she would be home. I could only sit and be afraid. So I would call my aunt or my grandmother. They would calm me down. After enough of these episodes, my mom made my brother start coming inside at sunset if she was out, and she worked hard from then on to not be out after dark.
I have no idea why being alone at night plagued me as such a small child, but it is clearly something that has carried on for these last 22 years because to this day, I hate being home alone at night. It scares me.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas!

I've been slacking off on posting the past week.. or nearly two.. getting ready for the holiday. But I couldn't let Christmas Eve go by without at least putting up this video for you all to enjoy. Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 14, 2007

I'm So Tired

Last night I came home late from work hobbling without my shoes. You see there was a work party I went to wearing my new 3" heeled boots. There was food so I foolishly assumed there would be some seating available prior to the entertainment. No such luck. I left my shoes in my office because I couldn't bare to take one more step - I drove home in my socks.

I've been thinking about the fabulously funny Madeline Kahn today. Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I really don't care..

and neither should you. I could never be a celebrity. What is it about celebrity that makes us forget they are people too? They have private lives, why does every minute detail have to be reported in the press, and furthermore, WHY do we care?
Here are some of the items in the news today, to which I can honestly say, I really don't care:

Jessica Alba is pregnant. The father is [gasp] her boyfriend of 3 years. So what. People get pregnant all the time and it doesn't make it into the paper - my pregnancy certainly didn't.

Scott Weiland of the bands Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver was charged for driving under the influence after a car accident he had in November. Wow. A rock star. Driving under the influence. I've never heard of such a thing. [eyeroll]

Britney Spears didn't make it to a court date for a deposition. She's still (supposedly) fighting for custody of her two children. Is anyone else as bored with this Britney/K-Fed saga as I am?

Someone paid $48,000 for a book autographed by John Lennon that had a lock of hair in it. Ok.. eww.. I can think of a whole lot better uses for $48,000.

Oprah Winfrey is backing Barack Obama for the democratic nomination. SO? Why should I care if Oprah likes him? Aren't I supposed to cast votes based on who *I* think the best candidates are? Aren't I supposed support the candidates whose views I agree most with and who I think will be best to lead our nation? Let me put all that aside, I'm a lemming that must follow whoever Oprah says I should. Pffft.

I've wasted enough of my time on this crap.. and now I've wasted yours too. :)

Monday, December 10, 2007

What Have I Learned?

Saturday was my 30th birthday. I don't normally do this, but this year being a milestone year and a time of year that I always do a little reflecting, I've thought about what I've learned in my 3 decades of living.

I've learned that I'm not perfect and I never will be. Perfection is often born out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of disapproval, fear of lonliness. All things we try to avoid. If we're perfect, we won't be failures, people won't disapprove of us and we we won't be lonely. The problem with that, is that even though we aren't perfect, we will never be complete failures, we will never be lonely and we will never be disapproved of by those who love us most; and that's ok.

I've learned that learning is important. We are always evolving, we are always changing. We are always experiencing new things that shape our view and our ideas of the world around us. Everything can be learned from and it's the knowledge we gain from our experiences that shapes us and makes us the people that we are.

I've learned that I love it when my daughter screams when it's time to go home from daycare. She throws absolute fits sometimes and I adore them. They show me that she is having fun, that she enjoys her life and that she doesn't want to stop having a good time and feeling good. These tantrums give me the ability to go to work each day knowing that she is in good hands and that I don't have to think about her or worry about her all day long and she's not wondering why mommy ran off and abandoned her at this house.

I've learned that relationships are more important than things. The old saying goes, he who dies with the most toys wins. I say, he who dies with the most friends wins. I read Tuesdays with Morrie and it really moved me to re-examine my priorities and re consider my goals and aspirations and what I want to accomplish in my life. No one ever lies on their death bed wishing they had more money or worked more hours. It's the relationships in your life that need to be cared for and nurtured for these are the people that will wish you well on your journey to whatever is next.

I've learned that I have a lot more learning to do. What have you learned?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Insomnia Must Be Contagious

Insomnia must be contagious. My mom has been having the worst time trying to sleep for the past few weeks. I think maybe it's gotten better but I don't know and I haven't asked because I caught it and have been too tired in the morning to remember to bring it up. You see, Sugarplum's daycare provider lives next door so every morning we go to Oma's for a quick visit first, and the bonus is, I don't have to make coffee in the morning. She always has a pot already made. (Thanks Mom!)
Back to my complaining. The last few nights I have NOT been able to sleep. I have tossed and turned all night long. Under the covers, on top of the covers, on each side, on my stomach, you name it, I've tried it. I simply can't get comfortable and I can't seem to shut my brain off for the night.
It's not as though I'm thinking about anything fun either. No sir. I think about things like spreadsheets and budgets and work related krap. Well - that's not entirely true, I've been thinking about World of Warcraft too (yo V! What up?) which is a computer game that can be fun but I still end up thinking about my to-do list. Maybe that's how the work dreams get started.
There is absolutely no point to this post other than to complain that I'm tired. At least I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Wheee!

Friday, November 30, 2007

New Lyrics

One of the things that really melts my heart is listening to Sugarplum sing. She has started singing more and more but what I find so darn cute about it is that she changes words around. She's in a Barney phase and sings the I Love You song but she skips a few words.

"I love you, you love me, we best friends should be. Big hug, me too, say love meeeeeee toooooooo"

She used to sing "I love me, I love me" but now she's corrected that part and I'm just a teensy bit sad about it. I'm glad she's learning the correct way because when she's 30 it won't be so cute anymore, but still, it is a sign that she's growing up and while I'm excited to watch her learn and interact with the world around her, it's also a reminder that these days of her toddler cuteness won't last forever as much as I might want to hold on to them. I haven't quite figured out how to stop time yet.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Mommy Boo Boo

Ok, so I think the tryptophan is finally out of my system and I've even gotten through all the e-mail I missed at work from taking a few extra days off last week to prep for Thanksgiving.

We survived the holiday pretty well and I only have one battle scar. Neither one of us managed to stab ourselves while carving the bird but I did get a nice mashed potato burn while draining the spuds from the boiling water.

Sugarplum noticed it again yesterday and pointed it out to me

SP: "Mommy boo boo"

Me: "Yes honey, that's mommy's boo boo from potatoes. Can you kiss it and make it better"

SP: "OK!"

At which point she leans over and gives me a kiss. Sometimes I'm amazed at what a little sweetheart she is. I think the next time she's testing my patience and pushing the limits, I'll try to remember how kind and tender she was yesterday and maybe keep my patience just a little bit longer.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Second Portal to Hell

Toys R Us is the second portal to hell. I can not stand that place. I try as hard as I can to never go in there, but alas, I had to today.
We had a birthday party to go to this afternoon for a friend of mine's son. He turns one this week and is such a cute munchkin. D actually asked if I was going to take Sugarplum with me. HA!
They are already open for what appears to be holiday shopping hours and are open from 9:00 am until 10:00 pm every day. I'm used to nothing being open before 11 on a Sunday. They're even playing the Christmas music already. WTH? It's not even Thanksgiving yet. NO Christmas music should be played until Friday after Thanksgiving.
So I ran out at 9 and steeled myself against the mad chaos I always have to wade through when I'm unfortunate enough to have to go in there.
I could have gone to Target, but honestly, I wanted to find something different for him and most of the people I knew at the party shop at Target. Plus, the closest Target to my house is at the mall and I refuse to try to park at the mall on the weekend. ESPECIALLY between Halloween and New Year's.
I was pleasantly surprised to find the store relatively quiet when I walked in. The crowds there didn't used to bother me, the kids there didn't used to bother me, but that was when they had aisles. What does Toys R Us have against aisles? The re-arranged everything into sections and there are displays in the middle of the walk ways. You better hope if you're behind someone they don't stop to look at something in the middle or you're going to be stuck with nowhere to go staring at a Tickle-me-Elmo or ginormous Babie head. It's complete sensory overload.
On the upside, I did find cool magnetic blocks that can go in the bath tub, and I did spot 1983 edition My Little Ponies - what a stroll down memory lane.

BTW - the first portal to hell? It's A Small World at Disneyland.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Meme: When I Grow Up

WOW! Day 8 of my new blogging life and Liv tagged me for this meme.

Write five things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things maybe you have forgotten in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday but that never really leave your soul. What would you do if anything were possible?

These are in no particular order:

1) I like to bake. I'd love to have a little bakery. I'm a terrible sales person though so it would have to advertise itself and it would have to be so good that word-of-mouth advertising would be the key. I'm pretty good at chocolate birthday cake and every year I make pumpkin pie with real pumpkin, not the canned stuff. I use graham cracker crust though courtesy of the Keebler elves because I haven't been able to get that one right yet.

2) I would love to be a forensic pathologist. Forensic science fascinates me and I would love to be able to provide answers and closure to families that have suffered loss of their loves ones and help see that justice is done to criminals that perpetuate heinous crimes. I could never do it - I'm too emotional. I couldn't handle someone's blood stained clothes and know these were the very articles they were wearing when they took their last breath at the hands of a monster.

3) A stay home mom. Unfortunately, we live in a time and place with enough debt that we are required to be a two-income family like many American's today. I love my day care provider, she was a second mom to me growing up, and I love the social exposure Sugarplum is getting from the school-age kids she plays with every day; but if I had my druthers, we'd be all about picnics in the park and play dates and baking cookies and muffins and having the house smell like Pot Roast when D gets home from work. In this fantasy I am super organized and have lots of time to do everything. The house sparkles, the laundry is done, there are no dirty dishes in the sink and dinner is always on the table promptly at 6. Even if I could stay at home, I know that part is a fantasy.

4) A therapist. I'd like to help people sort through their problems and reconnect with the things that matter to them. I'd probably work with couples or children and try to guide them on the path of making their lives brighter.

5) Teacher. I'd love to work with kids, although D says I would have to work on my patience. The hole in the bathroom door is his testament to my short fuse. In my defense, it was put there when he made me mad and I was 10 weeks pregnant and very hormonal. Back to the teaching - I have immense respect for teachers and don't think they get nearly the credit or the pay check they deserve, but no matter. If I could do it, I would love to lead kids to new discoveries and new understanding of the world every day. To be able to flip the switch and see the light bulbs go on over their heads every day would be magical.

Thanks for the tag Liv! In turn, I'd like to tag Rimarama, OTJ, Milk Breath and Margaritas, Wiping Up Snot and Gaining Balance.

To play along:
1) Link to the blogger that tagged you
2) Answer the questions in a post on your blog
3) "Tag" the bloggers you want to pass this meme along to by linking to their blogs
4) Comment on their blogs and let them know they've been tagged


Jess is my blog hero. I've been reading her blog for a little over a year, and have found that she is wonderfully open about all aspects of life. I'm sure like many others, I've laughed with her and cried with her and I've come to admire her open honesty and willingness to share.
There's a certain courage in letting it all hang out. Sure, there's a great element of anonymity on the internet that makes it freeing to share the most intimate details of our lives, but I wonder why we feel the need to hide these things from those that are closest to us.
Before failing to sleep last night, I was blog browsing, and came across this post at Wiping Up Snot and the related comments.
Shortly after (like the next day) I started my blog, I told my mom about it. Mom and I are close. (Hi Mom!) I told her I wasn't sure just how personal I would get on my blog, but I certainly didn't mind her reading it. If I did, I wouldn't have told her about it. Duh. She asked if I worried that if I posted something personal, did I think she'd think any different of me? No. If I post about being frustrated with her, did I think she would be mad at me? No. (Although I think she might be hurt to find out about it from a blog rather than hearing it from me directly) Did I honestly think she hadn't figured out that I had sex a couple times in my life? No. So why is it so difficult admit those personal things to the people that actually know us and care about us? Do we honestly, deep down, think it would change their view of us?


Sugarplum is learning to share. Some things she shares really well, others, not so much. Giraffe doesn't get shared. Green Blankey doesn't get shared. The Barney that lives at the daycare lady's house doesn't get shared. Most other things she's pretty good about; "moko" kisses (eskimo kisses), hugs, nuggles, high fives or even props.
I'm happy about all these for the most part, but how do I teach her she doesn't have to share everything? Such as: influenza, strep throat, the common cold. She can keep those totally to herself. Rank them right up there with Giraffe and Green Blankey.
I'm rambling here tonight because I'm up with a damn cough. Nighttime-sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-stuffyhead-fever-so-you-can-rest-medicine my ass. While I'm sitting here drinking mint tea in hopes of soothing my throat, D gets to sleep with the Vick's steamer all by himself and Sugarplum is nestled all snug in her bed. Meanwhile, I get to read more blogs, and count the minutes it's been since I took Ny-quil and try to figure out if it's too soon to take some Delsym.
Tomorrow I ought to be extra productive at work.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Daddy's Girl

My father died when I was 8 years old. It's been over 20 years since he died, and still, it hurts. I'm not much younger now than he was when he died and I can't help but miss him even more as the years go by bringing us closer to the same age.
He never got to see me go to the prom. He didn't get to take me to any father-daughter dances. He didn't get to interrogate my boyfriends. He didn't get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He didn't get to meet his grand-daughter.
Not only am I sad for all the times I miss with him in my life, I'm sad for all the things he didn't get to do in his life, and all the things I desperately hope my husband and I get to do with Sugarplum.
On his death bed he gave my brother and I his greatest gift. He wouldn't allow us to see him in the hospital. At the time, it didn't seem like a gift and I was too young to understand that when my mother said "maybe next time" there would never really be a next time. It turned out to be his greatest gift because of the memories we have of him. A young, vibrant man full of life and energy and good times. Not a shell of a person weak, sick, and dying.
In a way I was robbed of the chance to say goodbye.. but I realize now, I would have never wanted to say goodbye. I keep him in my heart and in my soul. I refused to go to his memorial service, because I knew it would be too sad. I didn't want to have to say goodbye, and my mother didn't make me. I think that has been one of her greatest gifts.
When she told us he had died, she took me in the backyard and told me to look in the sky and pick a cloud. She told me that whenever I was feeling sad or lonely, he would always be there, behind that cloud, watching over me and protecting me. Still, there's an empty part of me that can never be filled. This time of year is bitter sweet for me; this is when I miss him the most.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Hot Dad's!

I listen to the radio in the car all the time, including on the way to daycare each morning. The station I listen to is a classic rock station and every year they support local teen-aged musicians by holding a contest. The finalists get to play on the air and people vote for their favorite bands.
This year the show host was talking about the hot mom's that were in the studio to support their kids musical aspirations. Hmm... do I want my two year old who is starting to repeat things to hear much more of this? Just then the co-host asks, "well what about the hot dads?"
Of course, THAT'S what Sugarplum latched on to.. and merrily chirped from the back seat "HOT DADS!"
Guess we have to start watching what we say in front of her a little closer.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Bigger Butt Cells

I watched a show not too long ago called "The Science of Obesity". They said in this show that people are born with a set number of fat cells and that when you gain weight, you don't gain fat cells, your fat cells just get bigger. So why are the fat cells on my butt bigger than the fat cells on my feet? I don't want bigger butt cells.
So, I've taken the next step in my quest to become a domestic goddess - I've rejoined my water aerobics class. My mom is my workout buddy and we just re-joined last week. We were really successful with this particular venture, three years ago before I was pregnant with Sugarplum and when I was able to make the time to go to 6 classes a week. I had no problem jumping right in and keeping up.
Our class tonight though was was pretty intense and we gave up half way through to go sit in the hot-tub. The last two classes we've survived, but they were taught by other instructors. I felt really limited tonight. That is until mom spotted a great quote on the way out the door. I have no idea who said it, I'll have to check next time. What are today's words of workout inspiration?

"Don't let the sky be the limit when there are footprints on the moon"

Nap Wars

Saturday the Sugarplum and I fought an epic battle over nap time. We usually go to Gymboree in the mid-morning so she can play with other little ones and then we go home and within a couple hours or so take a nap.
For the past several weekends, nap time has become difficult. I've been convinced it's because her room is the brightest in the house. So Saturday morning, I put foil on her windows.
What must the neighbors think? I had it on hand and it's a lot cheaper than putting in new curtains or blinds designed to block out the light. Do you think that helped? No.
After running a couple errands after Gymboree, she decided she didn't want to go home and that the appropriate way to express her desire would be to hit me and try to bite me. WRONG! We went home and she went straight into bed. Where she proceeded to scream her head off every ten minutes until I came in to tuck her back in. I even made it to 25 minutes one time before going back. After 3 1/2 hours, I just couldn't stand it anymore and took her out of her crib.
The real kicker? My husband D put her down on Sunday and she didn't make a peep and was down for 2 hours. His payback will come when she's a teenager and we're both on our periods.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Welcome Wagon

What a nice welcome to blogland! Thanks to OTJ for sending the smiles tag and to Rimarama, Liv and Heather for bouncing over and welcoming me. This is for all of you!

Paying it forward

In our weekly homage to Starbuck's, my husband D went in to get us pumpkin-spice latte's and a kids hot chocolate for the Sugarplum. He actually read his cup today and it told a story of a Starbuck's drive through in Riverside where someone spontaneously decided to pay for the order for the car behind them. That person was so inspired they paid for the order behind them. This lasted for 7 cars.

Those are the kinds of stories that make me want to be a better person. It's great to volunteer your time, donate funds to organizations that desperately need it to help people or give a few extra toys to the Marines during the holidays, but these stories of selflessness, of just doing something nice purely for the sake of doing something nice for someone are the things that really get me.

I wonder if the 8th person who just accepted their drink and didn't pass it along would feel like a schmuck knowing that 6 people in front of them reacted the opposite and passed on the same generosity.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Hi, I'm new in town

Do you ever want to introduce yourself but at the last minute you chicken out or you can't think of a darn thing to say? I hate that. I really started this blog a year ago, but I never posted anything. I guess I just couldn't figure out what to say. I guess I'm still shy, but I've been inspired.

Every day I read Oh, the Joys. I really enjoy Jessica's blog - she makes me laugh, she makes me cry, but mostly she makes me think. Sometimes about things that aren't all that important at all, and other times about things that make me want to be a better person.

I decided to start posting, to give my daughter some insights to who I am later in life. A friend of my mother's told her about a journal he writes in. Not every day, but when the mood strikes. It's intended for his children if anything ever happens to him, so they can learn about what kind of person their father is. I lost my father as a child and never got the chance to know him as an adult. A fact that has always made me feel sad and lonely. So this is for my daughter - so that if anything should happen to me, she won't have to feel the same sadness.