Irrational Fears

Where does fear come from? Why are so many of our fears so completely irrational? Do they stem from events in our lives we just don't remember?

I have a completely irrational fear of being home alone. Not during the day, when the sun is out I'm fine. But at night, I hate it. I'm not ever completely alone, technically, I have Sugarplum with me. But she's 2 1/2 and goes to bed by 8. Then I'm really by myself.
I have this horrible fear that someone is going to break into the house and hurt us. I don't feel this way at all when my husband is with me. He's periodically away for a weekend and I have the worst trouble sleeping during those times. Sometimes, even before the sun sets, I just start crying - for no reason I can think of other than I miss him terribly and feel horribly anxious, isolated and lonely.
I was thinking about it tonight and realize that I have had this fear since I was a little girl. I remember at the age of 8 being home with my brother alone in the house. He was older than me so this was not really a problem - and we were never alone overnight. But if he was outside with his friends and I was inside after dark and my mother was out for whatever reason, I would start to freak out.
This was the days before cell phones so I couldn't call her and ask when she would be home. I could only sit and be afraid. So I would call my aunt or my grandmother. They would calm me down. After enough of these episodes, my mom made my brother start coming inside at sunset if she was out, and she worked hard from then on to not be out after dark.
I have no idea why being alone at night plagued me as such a small child, but it is clearly something that has carried on for these last 22 years because to this day, I hate being home alone at night. It scares me.

Merry Christmas!

I've been slacking off on posting the past week.. or nearly two.. getting ready for the holiday. But I couldn't let Christmas Eve go by without at least putting up this video for you all to enjoy. Merry Christmas!

I'm So Tired

Last night I came home late from work hobbling without my shoes. You see there was a work party I went to wearing my new 3" heeled boots. There was food so I foolishly assumed there would be some seating available prior to the entertainment. No such luck. I left my shoes in my office because I couldn't bare to take one more step - I drove home in my socks.

I've been thinking about the fabulously funny Madeline Kahn today. Enjoy!

I really don't care..

and neither should you. I could never be a celebrity. What is it about celebrity that makes us forget they are people too? They have private lives, why does every minute detail have to be reported in the press, and furthermore, WHY do we care?
Here are some of the items in the news today, to which I can honestly say, I really don't care:

Jessica Alba is pregnant. The father is [gasp] her boyfriend of 3 years. So what. People get pregnant all the time and it doesn't make it into the paper - my pregnancy certainly didn't.

Scott Weiland of the bands Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver was charged for driving under the influence after a car accident he had in November. Wow. A rock star. Driving under the influence. I've never heard of such a thing. [eyeroll]

Britney Spears didn't make it to a court date for a deposition. She's still (supposedly) fighting for custody of her two children. Is anyone else as bored with this Britney/K-Fed saga as I am?

Someone paid $48,000 for a book autographed by John Lennon that had a lock of hair in it. Ok.. eww.. I can think of a whole lot better uses for $48,000.

Oprah Winfrey is backing Barack Obama for the democratic nomination. SO? Why should I care if Oprah likes him? Aren't I supposed to cast votes based on who *I* think the best candidates are? Aren't I supposed support the candidates whose views I agree most with and who I think will be best to lead our nation? Let me put all that aside, I'm a lemming that must follow whoever Oprah says I should. Pffft.

I've wasted enough of my time on this crap.. and now I've wasted yours too. :)

What Have I Learned?

Saturday was my 30th birthday. I don't normally do this, but this year being a milestone year and a time of year that I always do a little reflecting, I've thought about what I've learned in my 3 decades of living.

I've learned that I'm not perfect and I never will be. Perfection is often born out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of disapproval, fear of lonliness. All things we try to avoid. If we're perfect, we won't be failures, people won't disapprove of us and we we won't be lonely. The problem with that, is that even though we aren't perfect, we will never be complete failures, we will never be lonely and we will never be disapproved of by those who love us most; and that's ok.

I've learned that learning is important. We are always evolving, we are always changing. We are always experiencing new things that shape our view and our ideas of the world around us. Everything can be learned from and it's the knowledge we gain from our experiences that shapes us and makes us the people that we are.

I've learned that I love it when my daughter screams when it's time to go home from daycare. She throws absolute fits sometimes and I adore them. They show me that she is having fun, that she enjoys her life and that she doesn't want to stop having a good time and feeling good. These tantrums give me the ability to go to work each day knowing that she is in good hands and that I don't have to think about her or worry about her all day long and she's not wondering why mommy ran off and abandoned her at this house.

I've learned that relationships are more important than things. The old saying goes, he who dies with the most toys wins. I say, he who dies with the most friends wins. I read Tuesdays with Morrie and it really moved me to re-examine my priorities and re consider my goals and aspirations and what I want to accomplish in my life. No one ever lies on their death bed wishing they had more money or worked more hours. It's the relationships in your life that need to be cared for and nurtured for these are the people that will wish you well on your journey to whatever is next.

I've learned that I have a lot more learning to do. What have you learned?

Insomnia Must Be Contagious

Insomnia must be contagious. My mom has been having the worst time trying to sleep for the past few weeks. I think maybe it's gotten better but I don't know and I haven't asked because I caught it and have been too tired in the morning to remember to bring it up. You see, Sugarplum's daycare provider lives next door so every morning we go to Oma's for a quick visit first, and the bonus is, I don't have to make coffee in the morning. She always has a pot already made. (Thanks Mom!)
Back to my complaining. The last few nights I have NOT been able to sleep. I have tossed and turned all night long. Under the covers, on top of the covers, on each side, on my stomach, you name it, I've tried it. I simply can't get comfortable and I can't seem to shut my brain off for the night.
It's not as though I'm thinking about anything fun either. No sir. I think about things like spreadsheets and budgets and work related krap. Well - that's not entirely true, I've been thinking about World of Warcraft too (yo V! What up?) which is a computer game that can be fun but I still end up thinking about my to-do list. Maybe that's how the work dreams get started.
There is absolutely no point to this post other than to complain that I'm tired. At least I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Wheee!