When I started up this here blog, it was to chronicle life with my daugther. My thoughts, my impressions, my experiences as her mother... but when I sit down to blog something.. it all flies right out the window. I think of some funny story to tell on the way to work or home from daycare and by the time I arrive at a computer, it's gone.
I've been off for a week and am catching up on my reader thinking I should find something to write about.. and then her post saved me... and I decided to steal a previous daily writing prompt.
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The year that I turned 8, I lived in Germany with my father and brother. I missed my mother terribly, but I would not trade that experience and can honestly say that living in another country made for one of the best years of my life. My mother knew it would which is why she let us go. She is so wise.
Before returning home in the summer of 1986, my father became sick. My mother came to pick us up and flew home with us in late July. My father followed a couple weeks later. He was home for a few days, maybe a week or two, before being admitted to the hospital. I think he was there for about two weeks or so.
One Saturday morning in September, the phone rang. Early. It was the hospital nurse calling for my mother. She left right away. Before heading out I asked her if I could come too. "Not this time. Maybe next time." It was always the same answer. So I poured a bowl of cereal and turned on cartoons waiting for my brother to wake up and join me.
When my mother returned home, we turned off the television. She told us that she was informed when she arrived at the hospital that she was 60 seconds too late. My brother went to his room. I began to cry as the information she had just given us sunk in. She took me to the backyard and told me to pick a cloud. She told me that from that day forward, he would always be there, behind that cloud, watching over me and protecting me.
It's been 22 years since my father died. I've dreamt of him twice. Neither of them were bad dreams, but after the first one, I woke up terribly upset. I missed him. I thought about how he wouldn't be able to take pictures of me in my prom dress. He wouldn't be there for any father-daughter dances. He wouldn't be able to give me away at my wedding. He wouldn't meet his grandchild(ren).
The second time I dreamt of him, I got to visit him in our house in Germany. The best part was that I got to hug him again. He had been dead in my dream, but somehow, we were granted a visit. I don't know if it's me reaching out, if it's completely manufactured, or if it's real. But some part of me got to visit my daddy again, even if it was only in a dream. I wish he could visit more often.
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A Mother's Soul
I'm fascinated by Psychology. I took an abnormal psych class in college and loved it. I studied Schizophrenia for my final term paper and am always truly fascinated by what makes people tick.
I'd like to think I'm a good friend and a good listener and occasionally I even give advice to those discussing their problems with me. I give much better advice than I take.
The hard part of providing that kind of friendship is that sometimes I get too emotionally invested. That's not a bad thing where friends and family are concerned, but it's really difficult to separate myself from other hard stories that I read in the news or on blogs. Today I was moved to tears reading about her mother.
3 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago, I gave birth to my Sugarplum. She is my light, my heart's every happiness, my conscience, my soul. Just like her, my daughter is part of me. I can't ever imagine living apart from her. As a mother, I can't fathom turning my back on her leaving her to wonder why her mommy isn't there. These stories break my heart and they're the reason I don't think I could ever be a therapist.
I'd like to think I'm a good friend and a good listener and occasionally I even give advice to those discussing their problems with me. I give much better advice than I take.
The hard part of providing that kind of friendship is that sometimes I get too emotionally invested. That's not a bad thing where friends and family are concerned, but it's really difficult to separate myself from other hard stories that I read in the news or on blogs. Today I was moved to tears reading about her mother.
3 years, 5 months, and 2 days ago, I gave birth to my Sugarplum. She is my light, my heart's every happiness, my conscience, my soul. Just like her, my daughter is part of me. I can't ever imagine living apart from her. As a mother, I can't fathom turning my back on her leaving her to wonder why her mommy isn't there. These stories break my heart and they're the reason I don't think I could ever be a therapist.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Blue Monday
Wow, my last post was August 24th. I guess that means I have completely fallen off the blogging band-wagon but I would like to get back on. The trouble lately, is that I feel like I really don't have much of anything to say. So I'll complain instead - aren't you glad you stopped by?
Today is a gloomy and grey Monday. It's the kind of morning that makes me want to crawl back in bed with a good book. Except that, the Sugarplum needs to eat on occasion so I'm here at work instead.
I'm feeling decidedly underwhelmed by all the election nonsense floating around. I'm starting to lose sight of what the "issues" are since the mudslinging has begun. I also hear that the McCain/Palin Campaign is pulling ahead, which frankly just scares me. I abortion issue is my number one issue and any candidate who is behind overturning Roe v. Wade automatically loses my vote. I also worry about the ability of Sarah Palin to effectively govern with a 4 month old special needs child at home. I realize she's the Gov. and has been for a couple years, but isn't Washington a whole new ball game? How will she find that balance? I suppose her personal life is none of my business, but as a working-outside-the-home mom, it's hard enough for me to keep the balance in my 40 hour a week job, let alone a 24-hour-a-day job.
I work with a condescending, micro-managing, harpy wench who has stepped up her level of condescneding harpiness lately.. and it's driving me bananas. At least I don't have to report directly to her... and she drives my boss nuts too which is the only thing that keeps me sane when I have to deal with her on a more frequent basis.
If you've stuck around to reading this long, now I'll give you some of the positive stuff:
My husband has gone back to flight training so he can learn how to teach other aspiring pilots to fly. It won't be able to serve as a complete career change, but will eventually bring in some extra dough and give him a chance to do something he really loves a lot more often than he gets to now... and who couldn't use some extra dough?
I have been feeling a little more domestic lately - I've been planning and cooking meals at home a lot more often which is a challenge with a spouse who is a fairly picky eater. Nevertheless, I feel like some of my cooking skills are improving and that makes me feel good. Occasionally I even come up with something new to try which sometimes work and sometimes doesn't. I'm terrible with sauces and don't have the patience I should but I'm working on it.
Sugarplum has started a dance class that is lots of fun to watch. She gets to wear a leotard and tights and I get to put her hair up in a bun, it really looks more like a donut hole than a bun, but is cute nonetheless. She's having fun and getting some activity that is led by another adult besides me and has other kids to be around. Special thanks to Sandy for great advice about what to look for in the dance studio.
I have also started taking a Body Flow class at the Y. It's a combination of Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates. It doesn't get me breathing really heavily but is proving to be a great work out. My muscles are tired at the end and I go home feeling like I've done something good and healthy for my body. I just need to learn to stay away from the Oreo's and milk when I get home.
That's been my life in a nutshell for the last month... for now, I'll just keep on keepin' on
Today is a gloomy and grey Monday. It's the kind of morning that makes me want to crawl back in bed with a good book. Except that, the Sugarplum needs to eat on occasion so I'm here at work instead.
I'm feeling decidedly underwhelmed by all the election nonsense floating around. I'm starting to lose sight of what the "issues" are since the mudslinging has begun. I also hear that the McCain/Palin Campaign is pulling ahead, which frankly just scares me. I abortion issue is my number one issue and any candidate who is behind overturning Roe v. Wade automatically loses my vote. I also worry about the ability of Sarah Palin to effectively govern with a 4 month old special needs child at home. I realize she's the Gov. and has been for a couple years, but isn't Washington a whole new ball game? How will she find that balance? I suppose her personal life is none of my business, but as a working-outside-the-home mom, it's hard enough for me to keep the balance in my 40 hour a week job, let alone a 24-hour-a-day job.
I work with a condescending, micro-managing, harpy wench who has stepped up her level of condescneding harpiness lately.. and it's driving me bananas. At least I don't have to report directly to her... and she drives my boss nuts too which is the only thing that keeps me sane when I have to deal with her on a more frequent basis.
If you've stuck around to reading this long, now I'll give you some of the positive stuff:
My husband has gone back to flight training so he can learn how to teach other aspiring pilots to fly. It won't be able to serve as a complete career change, but will eventually bring in some extra dough and give him a chance to do something he really loves a lot more often than he gets to now... and who couldn't use some extra dough?
I have been feeling a little more domestic lately - I've been planning and cooking meals at home a lot more often which is a challenge with a spouse who is a fairly picky eater. Nevertheless, I feel like some of my cooking skills are improving and that makes me feel good. Occasionally I even come up with something new to try which sometimes work and sometimes doesn't. I'm terrible with sauces and don't have the patience I should but I'm working on it.
Sugarplum has started a dance class that is lots of fun to watch. She gets to wear a leotard and tights and I get to put her hair up in a bun, it really looks more like a donut hole than a bun, but is cute nonetheless. She's having fun and getting some activity that is led by another adult besides me and has other kids to be around. Special thanks to Sandy for great advice about what to look for in the dance studio.
I have also started taking a Body Flow class at the Y. It's a combination of Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates. It doesn't get me breathing really heavily but is proving to be a great work out. My muscles are tired at the end and I go home feeling like I've done something good and healthy for my body. I just need to learn to stay away from the Oreo's and milk when I get home.
That's been my life in a nutshell for the last month... for now, I'll just keep on keepin' on
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
24 Hours
This fabulous lady posed an interesting question. What would you do if you had 24 hours completely free to do whatever you wanted, just for you, that no one would know about. Hmm.
For starters, I think I would sleep in. I would want to get a massage. I might read.. I might work on some scrapbooking project.. I might play video game I enjoy. I would probably want to bake something yummy. I might indulge in some completely mindless television. I would probably shop for some fabulous new outfit complete with shoes, purse, make-up and perfume. That I would not wear all the time.
I say I *might* do all these things, because I really don't know what I would do. I think I would go wherever the breeze takes me on that day. I guess maybe I don't have an answer.. because I wouldn't plan it.. complete freedom to me is being able to do whatever I want when the mood strikes.
How about you - what would you do?
Post your answer with a link to the original post and let her know about it.
For starters, I think I would sleep in. I would want to get a massage. I might read.. I might work on some scrapbooking project.. I might play video game I enjoy. I would probably want to bake something yummy. I might indulge in some completely mindless television. I would probably shop for some fabulous new outfit complete with shoes, purse, make-up and perfume. That I would not wear all the time.
I say I *might* do all these things, because I really don't know what I would do. I think I would go wherever the breeze takes me on that day. I guess maybe I don't have an answer.. because I wouldn't plan it.. complete freedom to me is being able to do whatever I want when the mood strikes.
How about you - what would you do?
Post your answer with a link to the original post and let her know about it.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Windows
Jen at One Plus Two posted about windows to her soul and invited the rest of the blogland to join in.
Two nights ago, we received a phone call that a dear friend of ours had died unexpectedly. The last few days my husband and I have been reflecting on our lives and what is important and I've been thinking about moments that have had an impact on my life, not because they are necessarily life changing moments, but because they make me stop for a moment and consider what is truly important and what truly matters; or because they are memories of some of the happiest moments in my life.
1) The birth of our daughter
2) Gazing into my husband's eyes as we danced our first dance at our wedding reception
3) Witnessing the moments after a woman nearly lost her life on the freeway
4) Dropping everything to fly across the country when my grandfather had a stroke
5) Walking through Sleeping Beauty's Castle on a spur of the moment trip to Disneyland
6) Making snowmobile tracks through virgin snow
7) The smell just after the first spring rain
8) My daughter's discoveries
9) Watching the fireflies in my Grandparent's backyard
10) The memories of my father as a young and vibrant man. He would not allow us to see him in the hospital in his last days, and it was many years before I understood what a gift he bestowed on my brother and I.
For more windows, visit these blogs. Feel free to jump in and add this list to your post - don't forget to put your name on the list.
Jessica with Eleven Windows
Tracy from Tiny MantrasDefiant
Muse from Musings...
Sugarplum's Mom with 10 Windows
Two nights ago, we received a phone call that a dear friend of ours had died unexpectedly. The last few days my husband and I have been reflecting on our lives and what is important and I've been thinking about moments that have had an impact on my life, not because they are necessarily life changing moments, but because they make me stop for a moment and consider what is truly important and what truly matters; or because they are memories of some of the happiest moments in my life.
1) The birth of our daughter
2) Gazing into my husband's eyes as we danced our first dance at our wedding reception
3) Witnessing the moments after a woman nearly lost her life on the freeway
4) Dropping everything to fly across the country when my grandfather had a stroke
5) Walking through Sleeping Beauty's Castle on a spur of the moment trip to Disneyland
6) Making snowmobile tracks through virgin snow
7) The smell just after the first spring rain
8) My daughter's discoveries
9) Watching the fireflies in my Grandparent's backyard
10) The memories of my father as a young and vibrant man. He would not allow us to see him in the hospital in his last days, and it was many years before I understood what a gift he bestowed on my brother and I.
For more windows, visit these blogs. Feel free to jump in and add this list to your post - don't forget to put your name on the list.
Jessica with Eleven Windows
Tracy from Tiny MantrasDefiant
Muse from Musings...
Sugarplum's Mom with 10 Windows
Monday, March 31, 2008
Potty Politics
Isn't it funny how in certain situations or places there seems to be unspoken rules that you should follow? Kinda like etiquette, only I don't think anyone would actually send you to the fire and damnation of etiquette hell.
There are 5 stalls in the bathroom at work. It's common knowledge that if you have to stink up the place, you do it in the last stall to minimize the stinkage for others who may need to use the restroom. I for one do not like to do anything but pee in any public restrooms, but I make the occasional exception if I have to at work. And I ALWAYS go to the last stall. And I always wait until no one else is there. And if anyone comes in, I wait until they are gone before I come out, lest they see me and know what I did.
So, why is it then when I am happily tinkling away in stall #2 all by myself in the bathroom do you, Ms. bathroom-stinker-upper-co-worker, have to come in to the FIRST stall, RIGHT next to me? Not only do you make me gag, it creeps me out to hear you splashing right next door.
There are 5 stalls in the bathroom at work. It's common knowledge that if you have to stink up the place, you do it in the last stall to minimize the stinkage for others who may need to use the restroom. I for one do not like to do anything but pee in any public restrooms, but I make the occasional exception if I have to at work. And I ALWAYS go to the last stall. And I always wait until no one else is there. And if anyone comes in, I wait until they are gone before I come out, lest they see me and know what I did.
So, why is it then when I am happily tinkling away in stall #2 all by myself in the bathroom do you, Ms. bathroom-stinker-upper-co-worker, have to come in to the FIRST stall, RIGHT next to me? Not only do you make me gag, it creeps me out to hear you splashing right next door.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I like you SO much
"I like you so much, that I didn't have ANY"
I heard those words from a co-worker today who brought me a whole bag of my favorite See's Candies - Scotchmallows.
We just completed a fiscal quarter at work and I helped her straighten out some last minute budget stuff... she asked what my favorite See's candy was. Ironically enough, it's her favorite too. And today she brought me a whole bag to myself. And she likes me so much, she gave them ALL to me and didn't have any herself.
These are the days I like my job most. Not because anyone gives me anything, it's not necessary to bring me candy, but because someone cared enough to make the effort to give me a little thank you that they knew I'd enjoy. Thanks K!
I heard those words from a co-worker today who brought me a whole bag of my favorite See's Candies - Scotchmallows.
We just completed a fiscal quarter at work and I helped her straighten out some last minute budget stuff... she asked what my favorite See's candy was. Ironically enough, it's her favorite too. And today she brought me a whole bag to myself. And she likes me so much, she gave them ALL to me and didn't have any herself.
These are the days I like my job most. Not because anyone gives me anything, it's not necessary to bring me candy, but because someone cared enough to make the effort to give me a little thank you that they knew I'd enjoy. Thanks K!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Callin' Mommy Out
Sugarplum is almost 3... and has no filter. When do they get a filter? This morning she felt like being sassy. When we went over to the daycare lady's house after saying good morning to Oma, she still felt sassy. She was being fussy and I tried to cheer her up giving her a big hug and jiggling her. She yelled "NooO!" Stopped for a second then looked at me and got upset yelling "It's stinky!! Mommy tooted!!"
Because she was being fussy, we were able to laugh it off, deny deny deny. I sat there.. if I sat still it wouldn't go anywhere right? The daycare lady wouldn't get too close right?
Most. Embarassing. Dropoff. Ever.
Because she was being fussy, we were able to laugh it off, deny deny deny. I sat there.. if I sat still it wouldn't go anywhere right? The daycare lady wouldn't get too close right?
Most. Embarassing. Dropoff. Ever.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Stuck
Ugh. One of the worst things happened. This weekend is my grand-mother's 80th birthday celebration. My aunt's have organized a party at a country club. There is a dress code. No jeans allowed. Just about all I wear is jeans.... I have 2 skirts I can wear, 2 I can't and 1 dress. I thought it would be a good excuse to find a new outfit; so off to Kohl's I went.
Most of the dresses I thought were really ugly... but I did find 2 possibilities. So I trotted off to the dressing room with the sizes I hoped would fit. Then it happened. I got stuck in a dress. I got into it just fine - but sleeves had no elastic and were too tight. So I tried to lift my arms up to get the dress off. I started to panic... I thought I was going to have to buy a ripped dress - ripped because that would have been the only way I could get it off. Or I was going to have to go to the lady in the next dressing room to help. How embarassing would that have been?
Well I was able to get out of the dress and left totally deflated. Guess I'll make do with the dress I have or one of my skirts.
On an unrelated note, I've been having really weird dreams lately. I don't remember much about them... but I do remember that last night, I dreamt that Darth Vader was an accountant.
Most of the dresses I thought were really ugly... but I did find 2 possibilities. So I trotted off to the dressing room with the sizes I hoped would fit. Then it happened. I got stuck in a dress. I got into it just fine - but sleeves had no elastic and were too tight. So I tried to lift my arms up to get the dress off. I started to panic... I thought I was going to have to buy a ripped dress - ripped because that would have been the only way I could get it off. Or I was going to have to go to the lady in the next dressing room to help. How embarassing would that have been?
Well I was able to get out of the dress and left totally deflated. Guess I'll make do with the dress I have or one of my skirts.
On an unrelated note, I've been having really weird dreams lately. I don't remember much about them... but I do remember that last night, I dreamt that Darth Vader was an accountant.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Haunted
All the parents were late to daycare that day. It was a beautiful late June afternoon when I headed out from work. I packed up my office with bright thoughts of the coming weekend and what fun Sugarplum and I would have hanging out at my best friends B's house. I tossed my backpack and purse in the trunk, plugged in my cell phone headset and dialed up B on my way out of work as I so often do.
The children didn't understand why I was upset when I arrived. I assured them all as best I could that I would be alright. They were skeptical. They knew someone was hurt.
On the freeway there had been an accident. It was in a common spot with a short space to change lanes for oncoming and exiting traffic. I got past it and we all cruised back up to normal speed. As I was reaching full free-way speed, I saw the smoke. Someone had just rear-ended someone else. I instinctively took my foot off the gas. Then I saw her.
"Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. B I have to go" I heard my own voice telling her what I'd just seen still not completely believing it. I pulled over. I tried to call 911 but couldn't get through.
With traffic at a stand still behind me, I finally was able to get out of my car. I stood right next to my trunk and got through to 911. Emergency crews were already en route. Several people had stopped and were at the scene. A few crouched over her body searching for signs of life. Someone else was directing traffic off the freeway. The firetrucks arrived. The highway patrol arrived. I stood.. watching.. waiting.. unsure. There was no movement. I could see the red pool against the dark pavement. It was too big.
I saw the officer with the yellow tarp. Then gasps as she moved. She was waking up. I started to approach and was sent back to my car. The fire chief came to me. Was I witness? Kind of. The highway patrol officer came to speak to me. Did I know which car hit her? I stared back. Had I seen it happen? No. I honestly didn't know. I saw her fall and roll.. but I didn't see exactly where she came from. I was sent on my way.
For days I could not shake the image of the woman on the road. I drive the same route every day. Every day I think of her. Every day I pray for her.
The children didn't understand why I was upset when I arrived. I assured them all as best I could that I would be alright. They were skeptical. They knew someone was hurt.
On the freeway there had been an accident. It was in a common spot with a short space to change lanes for oncoming and exiting traffic. I got past it and we all cruised back up to normal speed. As I was reaching full free-way speed, I saw the smoke. Someone had just rear-ended someone else. I instinctively took my foot off the gas. Then I saw her.
"Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. B I have to go" I heard my own voice telling her what I'd just seen still not completely believing it. I pulled over. I tried to call 911 but couldn't get through.
With traffic at a stand still behind me, I finally was able to get out of my car. I stood right next to my trunk and got through to 911. Emergency crews were already en route. Several people had stopped and were at the scene. A few crouched over her body searching for signs of life. Someone else was directing traffic off the freeway. The firetrucks arrived. The highway patrol arrived. I stood.. watching.. waiting.. unsure. There was no movement. I could see the red pool against the dark pavement. It was too big.
I saw the officer with the yellow tarp. Then gasps as she moved. She was waking up. I started to approach and was sent back to my car. The fire chief came to me. Was I witness? Kind of. The highway patrol officer came to speak to me. Did I know which car hit her? I stared back. Had I seen it happen? No. I honestly didn't know. I saw her fall and roll.. but I didn't see exactly where she came from. I was sent on my way.
For days I could not shake the image of the woman on the road. I drive the same route every day. Every day I think of her. Every day I pray for her.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Dying For Fun
The other night my husband and I were watching a documentary about base jumping. I must be a grown up now because I like watching documentaries on various topics. Anyway, this one talked about base jumping but was really about adrenaline junkies. They said that we are the only species on the planet who will deliberately put our lives in danger just for fun.
So it got me thinking - why? It's fun.. it's a rush.. it's exciting. I used to work with a guy who loved ski-diving and he said it was unlike anything else in the world. It was exhilarating and made him feel really alive. Moments before possible death.
So I got to wondering.. what makes me feel alive? When did I feel most alive in my life? Giving birth. No other time can I think of in my life have I been so totally involved in the moment and focused. No other time have I felt more alive than when I brought another living, breathing, human being into the world.
What makes me feel alive? She does.
So it got me thinking - why? It's fun.. it's a rush.. it's exciting. I used to work with a guy who loved ski-diving and he said it was unlike anything else in the world. It was exhilarating and made him feel really alive. Moments before possible death.
So I got to wondering.. what makes me feel alive? When did I feel most alive in my life? Giving birth. No other time can I think of in my life have I been so totally involved in the moment and focused. No other time have I felt more alive than when I brought another living, breathing, human being into the world.
What makes me feel alive? She does.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Irrational Fears
Where does fear come from? Why are so many of our fears so completely irrational? Do they stem from events in our lives we just don't remember?
I have a completely irrational fear of being home alone. Not during the day, when the sun is out I'm fine. But at night, I hate it. I'm not ever completely alone, technically, I have Sugarplum with me. But she's 2 1/2 and goes to bed by 8. Then I'm really by myself.
I have this horrible fear that someone is going to break into the house and hurt us. I don't feel this way at all when my husband is with me. He's periodically away for a weekend and I have the worst trouble sleeping during those times. Sometimes, even before the sun sets, I just start crying - for no reason I can think of other than I miss him terribly and feel horribly anxious, isolated and lonely.
I was thinking about it tonight and realize that I have had this fear since I was a little girl. I remember at the age of 8 being home with my brother alone in the house. He was older than me so this was not really a problem - and we were never alone overnight. But if he was outside with his friends and I was inside after dark and my mother was out for whatever reason, I would start to freak out.
This was the days before cell phones so I couldn't call her and ask when she would be home. I could only sit and be afraid. So I would call my aunt or my grandmother. They would calm me down. After enough of these episodes, my mom made my brother start coming inside at sunset if she was out, and she worked hard from then on to not be out after dark.
I have no idea why being alone at night plagued me as such a small child, but it is clearly something that has carried on for these last 22 years because to this day, I hate being home alone at night. It scares me.
I have a completely irrational fear of being home alone. Not during the day, when the sun is out I'm fine. But at night, I hate it. I'm not ever completely alone, technically, I have Sugarplum with me. But she's 2 1/2 and goes to bed by 8. Then I'm really by myself.
I have this horrible fear that someone is going to break into the house and hurt us. I don't feel this way at all when my husband is with me. He's periodically away for a weekend and I have the worst trouble sleeping during those times. Sometimes, even before the sun sets, I just start crying - for no reason I can think of other than I miss him terribly and feel horribly anxious, isolated and lonely.
I was thinking about it tonight and realize that I have had this fear since I was a little girl. I remember at the age of 8 being home with my brother alone in the house. He was older than me so this was not really a problem - and we were never alone overnight. But if he was outside with his friends and I was inside after dark and my mother was out for whatever reason, I would start to freak out.
This was the days before cell phones so I couldn't call her and ask when she would be home. I could only sit and be afraid. So I would call my aunt or my grandmother. They would calm me down. After enough of these episodes, my mom made my brother start coming inside at sunset if she was out, and she worked hard from then on to not be out after dark.
I have no idea why being alone at night plagued me as such a small child, but it is clearly something that has carried on for these last 22 years because to this day, I hate being home alone at night. It scares me.
Monday, December 10, 2007
What Have I Learned?
Saturday was my 30th birthday. I don't normally do this, but this year being a milestone year and a time of year that I always do a little reflecting, I've thought about what I've learned in my 3 decades of living.
I've learned that I'm not perfect and I never will be. Perfection is often born out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of disapproval, fear of lonliness. All things we try to avoid. If we're perfect, we won't be failures, people won't disapprove of us and we we won't be lonely. The problem with that, is that even though we aren't perfect, we will never be complete failures, we will never be lonely and we will never be disapproved of by those who love us most; and that's ok.
I've learned that learning is important. We are always evolving, we are always changing. We are always experiencing new things that shape our view and our ideas of the world around us. Everything can be learned from and it's the knowledge we gain from our experiences that shapes us and makes us the people that we are.
I've learned that I love it when my daughter screams when it's time to go home from daycare. She throws absolute fits sometimes and I adore them. They show me that she is having fun, that she enjoys her life and that she doesn't want to stop having a good time and feeling good. These tantrums give me the ability to go to work each day knowing that she is in good hands and that I don't have to think about her or worry about her all day long and she's not wondering why mommy ran off and abandoned her at this house.
I've learned that relationships are more important than things. The old saying goes, he who dies with the most toys wins. I say, he who dies with the most friends wins. I read Tuesdays with Morrie and it really moved me to re-examine my priorities and re consider my goals and aspirations and what I want to accomplish in my life. No one ever lies on their death bed wishing they had more money or worked more hours. It's the relationships in your life that need to be cared for and nurtured for these are the people that will wish you well on your journey to whatever is next.
I've learned that I have a lot more learning to do. What have you learned?
I've learned that I'm not perfect and I never will be. Perfection is often born out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of disapproval, fear of lonliness. All things we try to avoid. If we're perfect, we won't be failures, people won't disapprove of us and we we won't be lonely. The problem with that, is that even though we aren't perfect, we will never be complete failures, we will never be lonely and we will never be disapproved of by those who love us most; and that's ok.
I've learned that learning is important. We are always evolving, we are always changing. We are always experiencing new things that shape our view and our ideas of the world around us. Everything can be learned from and it's the knowledge we gain from our experiences that shapes us and makes us the people that we are.
I've learned that I love it when my daughter screams when it's time to go home from daycare. She throws absolute fits sometimes and I adore them. They show me that she is having fun, that she enjoys her life and that she doesn't want to stop having a good time and feeling good. These tantrums give me the ability to go to work each day knowing that she is in good hands and that I don't have to think about her or worry about her all day long and she's not wondering why mommy ran off and abandoned her at this house.
I've learned that relationships are more important than things. The old saying goes, he who dies with the most toys wins. I say, he who dies with the most friends wins. I read Tuesdays with Morrie and it really moved me to re-examine my priorities and re consider my goals and aspirations and what I want to accomplish in my life. No one ever lies on their death bed wishing they had more money or worked more hours. It's the relationships in your life that need to be cared for and nurtured for these are the people that will wish you well on your journey to whatever is next.
I've learned that I have a lot more learning to do. What have you learned?
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Insomnia Must Be Contagious
Insomnia must be contagious. My mom has been having the worst time trying to sleep for the past few weeks. I think maybe it's gotten better but I don't know and I haven't asked because I caught it and have been too tired in the morning to remember to bring it up. You see, Sugarplum's daycare provider lives next door so every morning we go to Oma's for a quick visit first, and the bonus is, I don't have to make coffee in the morning. She always has a pot already made. (Thanks Mom!)
Back to my complaining. The last few nights I have NOT been able to sleep. I have tossed and turned all night long. Under the covers, on top of the covers, on each side, on my stomach, you name it, I've tried it. I simply can't get comfortable and I can't seem to shut my brain off for the night.
It's not as though I'm thinking about anything fun either. No sir. I think about things like spreadsheets and budgets and work related krap. Well - that's not entirely true, I've been thinking about World of Warcraft too (yo V! What up?) which is a computer game that can be fun but I still end up thinking about my to-do list. Maybe that's how the work dreams get started.
There is absolutely no point to this post other than to complain that I'm tired. At least I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Wheee!
Back to my complaining. The last few nights I have NOT been able to sleep. I have tossed and turned all night long. Under the covers, on top of the covers, on each side, on my stomach, you name it, I've tried it. I simply can't get comfortable and I can't seem to shut my brain off for the night.
It's not as though I'm thinking about anything fun either. No sir. I think about things like spreadsheets and budgets and work related krap. Well - that's not entirely true, I've been thinking about World of Warcraft too (yo V! What up?) which is a computer game that can be fun but I still end up thinking about my to-do list. Maybe that's how the work dreams get started.
There is absolutely no point to this post other than to complain that I'm tired. At least I'm taking the day off tomorrow. Wheee!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Meme: When I Grow Up
WOW! Day 8 of my new blogging life and Liv tagged me for this meme.
Write five things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things maybe you have forgotten in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday but that never really leave your soul. What would you do if anything were possible?
These are in no particular order:
1) I like to bake. I'd love to have a little bakery. I'm a terrible sales person though so it would have to advertise itself and it would have to be so good that word-of-mouth advertising would be the key. I'm pretty good at chocolate birthday cake and every year I make pumpkin pie with real pumpkin, not the canned stuff. I use graham cracker crust though courtesy of the Keebler elves because I haven't been able to get that one right yet.
2) I would love to be a forensic pathologist. Forensic science fascinates me and I would love to be able to provide answers and closure to families that have suffered loss of their loves ones and help see that justice is done to criminals that perpetuate heinous crimes. I could never do it - I'm too emotional. I couldn't handle someone's blood stained clothes and know these were the very articles they were wearing when they took their last breath at the hands of a monster.
3) A stay home mom. Unfortunately, we live in a time and place with enough debt that we are required to be a two-income family like many American's today. I love my day care provider, she was a second mom to me growing up, and I love the social exposure Sugarplum is getting from the school-age kids she plays with every day; but if I had my druthers, we'd be all about picnics in the park and play dates and baking cookies and muffins and having the house smell like Pot Roast when D gets home from work. In this fantasy I am super organized and have lots of time to do everything. The house sparkles, the laundry is done, there are no dirty dishes in the sink and dinner is always on the table promptly at 6. Even if I could stay at home, I know that part is a fantasy.
4) A therapist. I'd like to help people sort through their problems and reconnect with the things that matter to them. I'd probably work with couples or children and try to guide them on the path of making their lives brighter.
5) Teacher. I'd love to work with kids, although D says I would have to work on my patience. The hole in the bathroom door is his testament to my short fuse. In my defense, it was put there when he made me mad and I was 10 weeks pregnant and very hormonal. Back to the teaching - I have immense respect for teachers and don't think they get nearly the credit or the pay check they deserve, but no matter. If I could do it, I would love to lead kids to new discoveries and new understanding of the world every day. To be able to flip the switch and see the light bulbs go on over their heads every day would be magical.
Thanks for the tag Liv! In turn, I'd like to tag Rimarama, OTJ, Milk Breath and Margaritas, Wiping Up Snot and Gaining Balance.
To play along:
1) Link to the blogger that tagged you
2) Answer the questions in a post on your blog
3) "Tag" the bloggers you want to pass this meme along to by linking to their blogs
4) Comment on their blogs and let them know they've been tagged
Write five things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things maybe you have forgotten in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday but that never really leave your soul. What would you do if anything were possible?
These are in no particular order:
1) I like to bake. I'd love to have a little bakery. I'm a terrible sales person though so it would have to advertise itself and it would have to be so good that word-of-mouth advertising would be the key. I'm pretty good at chocolate birthday cake and every year I make pumpkin pie with real pumpkin, not the canned stuff. I use graham cracker crust though courtesy of the Keebler elves because I haven't been able to get that one right yet.
2) I would love to be a forensic pathologist. Forensic science fascinates me and I would love to be able to provide answers and closure to families that have suffered loss of their loves ones and help see that justice is done to criminals that perpetuate heinous crimes. I could never do it - I'm too emotional. I couldn't handle someone's blood stained clothes and know these were the very articles they were wearing when they took their last breath at the hands of a monster.
3) A stay home mom. Unfortunately, we live in a time and place with enough debt that we are required to be a two-income family like many American's today. I love my day care provider, she was a second mom to me growing up, and I love the social exposure Sugarplum is getting from the school-age kids she plays with every day; but if I had my druthers, we'd be all about picnics in the park and play dates and baking cookies and muffins and having the house smell like Pot Roast when D gets home from work. In this fantasy I am super organized and have lots of time to do everything. The house sparkles, the laundry is done, there are no dirty dishes in the sink and dinner is always on the table promptly at 6. Even if I could stay at home, I know that part is a fantasy.
4) A therapist. I'd like to help people sort through their problems and reconnect with the things that matter to them. I'd probably work with couples or children and try to guide them on the path of making their lives brighter.
5) Teacher. I'd love to work with kids, although D says I would have to work on my patience. The hole in the bathroom door is his testament to my short fuse. In my defense, it was put there when he made me mad and I was 10 weeks pregnant and very hormonal. Back to the teaching - I have immense respect for teachers and don't think they get nearly the credit or the pay check they deserve, but no matter. If I could do it, I would love to lead kids to new discoveries and new understanding of the world every day. To be able to flip the switch and see the light bulbs go on over their heads every day would be magical.
Thanks for the tag Liv! In turn, I'd like to tag Rimarama, OTJ, Milk Breath and Margaritas, Wiping Up Snot and Gaining Balance.
To play along:
1) Link to the blogger that tagged you
2) Answer the questions in a post on your blog
3) "Tag" the bloggers you want to pass this meme along to by linking to their blogs
4) Comment on their blogs and let them know they've been tagged
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Daddy's Girl
My father died when I was 8 years old. It's been over 20 years since he died, and still, it hurts. I'm not much younger now than he was when he died and I can't help but miss him even more as the years go by bringing us closer to the same age.
He never got to see me go to the prom. He didn't get to take me to any father-daughter dances. He didn't get to interrogate my boyfriends. He didn't get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He didn't get to meet his grand-daughter.
Not only am I sad for all the times I miss with him in my life, I'm sad for all the things he didn't get to do in his life, and all the things I desperately hope my husband and I get to do with Sugarplum.
On his death bed he gave my brother and I his greatest gift. He wouldn't allow us to see him in the hospital. At the time, it didn't seem like a gift and I was too young to understand that when my mother said "maybe next time" there would never really be a next time. It turned out to be his greatest gift because of the memories we have of him. A young, vibrant man full of life and energy and good times. Not a shell of a person weak, sick, and dying.
In a way I was robbed of the chance to say goodbye.. but I realize now, I would have never wanted to say goodbye. I keep him in my heart and in my soul. I refused to go to his memorial service, because I knew it would be too sad. I didn't want to have to say goodbye, and my mother didn't make me. I think that has been one of her greatest gifts.
When she told us he had died, she took me in the backyard and told me to look in the sky and pick a cloud. She told me that whenever I was feeling sad or lonely, he would always be there, behind that cloud, watching over me and protecting me. Still, there's an empty part of me that can never be filled. This time of year is bitter sweet for me; this is when I miss him the most.
He never got to see me go to the prom. He didn't get to take me to any father-daughter dances. He didn't get to interrogate my boyfriends. He didn't get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He didn't get to meet his grand-daughter.
Not only am I sad for all the times I miss with him in my life, I'm sad for all the things he didn't get to do in his life, and all the things I desperately hope my husband and I get to do with Sugarplum.
On his death bed he gave my brother and I his greatest gift. He wouldn't allow us to see him in the hospital. At the time, it didn't seem like a gift and I was too young to understand that when my mother said "maybe next time" there would never really be a next time. It turned out to be his greatest gift because of the memories we have of him. A young, vibrant man full of life and energy and good times. Not a shell of a person weak, sick, and dying.
In a way I was robbed of the chance to say goodbye.. but I realize now, I would have never wanted to say goodbye. I keep him in my heart and in my soul. I refused to go to his memorial service, because I knew it would be too sad. I didn't want to have to say goodbye, and my mother didn't make me. I think that has been one of her greatest gifts.
When she told us he had died, she took me in the backyard and told me to look in the sky and pick a cloud. She told me that whenever I was feeling sad or lonely, he would always be there, behind that cloud, watching over me and protecting me. Still, there's an empty part of me that can never be filled. This time of year is bitter sweet for me; this is when I miss him the most.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The Welcome Wagon
Friday, November 9, 2007
Hi, I'm new in town
Do you ever want to introduce yourself but at the last minute you chicken out or you can't think of a darn thing to say? I hate that. I really started this blog a year ago, but I never posted anything. I guess I just couldn't figure out what to say. I guess I'm still shy, but I've been inspired.
Every day I read Oh, the Joys. I really enjoy Jessica's blog - she makes me laugh, she makes me cry, but mostly she makes me think. Sometimes about things that aren't all that important at all, and other times about things that make me want to be a better person.
I decided to start posting, to give my daughter some insights to who I am later in life. A friend of my mother's told her about a journal he writes in. Not every day, but when the mood strikes. It's intended for his children if anything ever happens to him, so they can learn about what kind of person their father is. I lost my father as a child and never got the chance to know him as an adult. A fact that has always made me feel sad and lonely. So this is for my daughter - so that if anything should happen to me, she won't have to feel the same sadness.
Every day I read Oh, the Joys. I really enjoy Jessica's blog - she makes me laugh, she makes me cry, but mostly she makes me think. Sometimes about things that aren't all that important at all, and other times about things that make me want to be a better person.
I decided to start posting, to give my daughter some insights to who I am later in life. A friend of my mother's told her about a journal he writes in. Not every day, but when the mood strikes. It's intended for his children if anything ever happens to him, so they can learn about what kind of person their father is. I lost my father as a child and never got the chance to know him as an adult. A fact that has always made me feel sad and lonely. So this is for my daughter - so that if anything should happen to me, she won't have to feel the same sadness.
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